Avoidance and Trauma
Many people trying to recover from trauma adopt avoidance in service of survival. It is a natural reaction to a perceived threat. Some wounds may feel too painful to face. As a coping strategy, survivors learn to live on autopilot and divert their attention from distressing thoughts, people, places or memories. For many, this strategy can work very well, until one day it doesn't. Most people that live with hidden secrets or unhealed wounds appear as though they are just fine. A lot of energy is spent on pretending to be well. The problem with avoidance is that it doesn't work effectively with recovery and it often creates a new host of self-sabotaging behaviours. While in survival mode avoidance may manifest itself as addictions such as drinking, smoking, drug use, overeating or unhealthy choices. Although these are not ideal they serve the purpose of avoidance and offer self-soothing protection. Interestingly when I studied with Linda Thai she noted that most addictions are hand-to-mouth, the very same action babies use while sucking their thumb to self-soothe. The avoidance fuels the addiction which is soothing the pain of the unwanted memories and intrusive thoughts. Healing is all about creating new awareness and consciously working towards changing old patterns and breaking generational cycles. Recovery for an avoidant person can be very difficult as the very act of healing is uncovering everything you'd rather leave hidden. Because this behaviour is so ingrained within survivors, many don't even realize they are doing it. Avoidance will delay trauma recovery so it's important, to be honest with yourself about your actions, words and choices. Here are some ways people practice avoidance in trauma recovery; 1) Not finding a therapist or coach to help along the healing journey. Some survivors continually talk about trying to find a therapist or coach and often email or leave a voice message but then don't follow through. This is sometimes because working with someone and sharing your story can feel overwhelming. Opening up and being vulnerable feels foreign, so people think about it and then fall back into their old pattern of averting. 2) Not doing the assigned work from a coach or therapist. I admit I was guilty of this and not because I didn't want to get better but because avoidance was my go-to response, it felt safe. I continually put off the workbook my therapist assigned me to do. I felt it was too much of a burden and that I just didn't have the time. Those were the excuses I told myself to justify my behaviour. Often when someone has spent their life in survival mode and all of the sudden there is an expectation to shift, it can feel very scary. So you fall back into the patterns that feel safe. 3) You avoid uncomfortable conversations. Recovery involves having uncomfortable conversations and doing lots of self-reflection. If you find you are steering yourself away from certain discussions it's important to ask yourself why. It could be that you aren't ready and that's ok, recovery happens at the speed that works for you. But it also could be you are practicing avoidance. 4) You feel afraid. Fear is fuel for avoidance. If you are feeling afraid of change or worried about recovery then you are more likely to reacquaint yourself with old patterns. Fear most certainly keeps us stuck. Trauma recovery can feel intimidating and with healing comes growth and change. It's important to embrace new ways to regulate your nervous system and accept new responses to people and situations. 5) You find yourself falling back into old habits. If you begin your healing journey and then find yourself regressing into old unhealthy habits, you may be avoiding growth. So often as we heal and evolve we find ourselves unable to connect with people we once felt connected to. Essentially we outgrow relationships and environments, then we find ourselves looking for a new space to belong. This lack of connection sparks uneasiness thus we avoid growth and stay where we are out of comfort. 6) You are focusing only on the positive. Don't get me wrong it is important to celebrate your gains but it is also important to acknowledge your struggles. If you don't admit the areas that need work then you can't turn them into success. We live in a world where we are told to suck it up and keep pushing ourselves. But sometimes you need to stop and accept that some parts of you are struggling. Those parts need attention and compassion. When we ignore them they just get louder over time. 7) You have difficulty challenging the narrative you've created in your mind. Curiosity and questions are what drive us towards healing. If you are unable to critically question your beliefs about yourself and others this can delay your progress. We all establish stories in our minds. Sometimes they are honest, sometimes they are not. You may create a vision of a person because that is who you want them to be. Or you see yourself one way but act another. It is essential to determine if your perception matches your reality. Averting the ability to question and be curious does not foster growth. Avoidance may seem like an awful trait but it allows people to survive some of the darkest times in their lives. Every behaviour or action serves a purpose and the practice of avoiding likely got you through some tough periods. We never want to look back and think that our averting thoughts and actions were something awful. For me it allowed me to shine in many other ways. As I ignored my unhealed wounds I was able to focus my attention on building my education, career, family and my physical fitness. And although avoidance allowed me to create many wonderful things it also prevented me from becoming my best. It takes raw honesty to open up your wounds and explore the truth of your pain and suffering, not only inflicted by others but yourself as well. If you feel that you are practicing avoidance, remind yourself, that pattern helped you for a very long time. Be thankful for its service and accept that the strength within you is often sparked once you face your wounds and stop avoiding them. If you'd like help in overcoming your avoidance know that I offer a safe place for your feelings to land. Together we can work on uncovering the strengths within your beautiful self. With Gratitude, Amy *Disclaimer All coaching services and communication, email or otherwise, delivered by Aim True Coaching as well as information set forth are meant to help you identify the areas and beliefs that may be standing in your way. However, coaching is not professional mental health care or medical care. This content is for informational purposes only, and should not be taken as professional medical advice.
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