Trauma appears in many forms, it can be physical or emotional and include abuse and/or
manipulation. Whatever the experience trauma is trauma. It stays with a person and
changes the way they see and experience the world around them.
The decision to share your story with others is a big one. Trauma is often coupled with shame, guilt and so many other conflicting emotions. So when a survivor makes the choice to share, it takes great courage and vulnerability. While each person’s trauma is unique the similarity is the hesitancy that comes with sharing what happened because of the fear of how it will be received.
As someone who has taken the leap to be vulnerable and share my story with the world, I have received many different responses from people. As a trauma-informed coach and someone who has done the work to heal, I have the advantage of understanding that other people’s responses don’t belong to me. It has taken me a long time to reach this stage. For people that are just taking the step to share their stories, it’s a big one, the response matters.
Below are some ways that you should NOT respond to the disclosure of trauma.
Silence
I recognize that it can be challenging to find the right words when someone shares their story and you may worry about saying the wrong thing but silence is never a good choice. The survivor will fill that silence with shame, rejection and worry.
Say, “It could have been worse”
Many trauma survivors downplay their experiences. They often do this in service of survival and push themselves to keep going and avoid their past. Saying “It could have been worse” may push a survivor back into avoidance. These words minimize their experience and could further traumatize the victim.
Start Sharing Your Own Experience or The Story of Someone You Know Although the intention of sharing your own story or that of someone with a similar experience may be to comfort and let the survivor know they aren’t alone, it takes away from the present moment. The survivor may feel that their story isn’t enough or that you are not available to hold a safe space for their story to land. Allow this moment to be about the survivor. Offer Advice or Tell Them What to Do
Most people don’t want advice and if you are not trauma-informed the advice you offer could further hurt the victim. Recovery is about learning to embrace your own way. Many traumatic experiences take away a victim’s voice and choice, please don’t recreate this experience. When someone tells their story they likely aren’t seeking advice but rather looking for a safe space for their story to land filled with compassion and kindness, not judgment and shame.
Use Popular Phrases While you may see popular phrases such as “Everything happens for a reason” and “This will make you stronger” as helpful they can actually be hurtful. Many trauma survivors internalize words and cues very differently than those without trauma. “Everything happens for a reason” could be interpreted as “I am the reason, I did something wrong” Words land differently for survivors and minimizing their experience into a popular phrase can feel invalidating.
Saying "That Happened So Long Ago You Need to Move on" Although the traumatic experience may have happened a long time ago it is still stored within the body and mind. Triggers can have the victim reliving their experience in the present moment unable to discern between long ago and the here and now. A trauma brain has difficulty distinguishing between the past and present and relives the experience as though it is happening right now.
So what is a good way to respond?
Listen The best thing you can do is listen to the story and words the survivor is trying to tell you. Don’t interrupt and know that most trauma stories come out in pieces. Sometimes it feels like a lot for a survivor to share all at once and there is always a worry that it will be met with judgment and shame. A survivor may tell parts of the story not to be untruthful but to see the response and determine if they feel safe sharing in its entirety. It’s also important to note that many survivors have lapses in memory and their story may come to their own mind in pieces.
Validate One thing that has often been missing for survivors is validation. They may have told their story before and been met with hesitation or told not to share. Validation can be offered without judgment “Thank you for sharing and trusting me with this. I am sure that was a lot to carry. I am glad you felt safe sharing with me.” It’s important to offer validation without judgment in any way. When we respond in horror and say “Oh that’s so awful and horrific, I can’t believe you had to go through that and I can't believe you survived.” We can prompt survivors to stay stuck within their stories and focus on the horror rather than the courage to share.
Focus on emotions and feelings rather than details Be gentle when a survivor shares their story. Allow them to share as much or as little detail as they like. It’s important to understand that while some things may seem shocking as you hear them, showing that shock may land as shame. When we focus on the specific details we focus on the trauma. When we focus on the feelings, emotions and somatic experiences we focus on the person sharing. There is often shame in the details and so it’s important that the survivor shares only what feels safe for them.
Keep calm and keep your emotions in check
Try to keep your responses genuine but filled with compassion and gentleness. Even though you may feel anger, if this is someone you love, it’s important to keep your emotions in check. This is not about you and when you bring your big emotions into the equation it takes away from the survivor's feelings. Hold a calm and safe space for their emotions to land.
Sharing a trauma story takes courage and vulnerability and it is an honour to hold space for the ones brave enough to share. Hold a safe space filled with compassion and kindness never judgment and shame.
If you want to share your story know that as a trauma-informed coach, I have the skills and professional training to hold a gentle space filled with understanding and compassion. My coaching sessions provide a safe space for you to explore the feelings, emotions and somatic responses of your experience. Trauma recovery takes courage and vulnerability and I can help you along that journey. If you’d like support please feel free to reach out.
With Gratitude,
Amy
*Disclaimer
All coaching services and communication, email or otherwise, delivered by Aim True Coaching as well as the information set forth are meant to help you identify the areas and beliefs that may be standing in your way. However, coaching is not professional mental health care or medical care. This content is for informational purposes only, and should not be taken as professional medical advice.
Comments