For many trauma survivors taking up space is something to avoid. It is much safer to be chameleon-like and be the person people want you to be rather than embrace your authenticity.
Trauma can skew perspectives and can lead to developing the belief that you are loved for what you do, not who you are as a person. This sets the standard one must perform or do more to gain love and validation. There is a lack of confidence in taking up space as your authentic self.
I know this feeling, I lived this way for years. I blended in and avoided anything that made me stand out. This strategy, like most, worked until it didn’t.
I got sick and was forced to take up space in a way I didn’t want to. I developed these oozing blisters on the soles of my feet, palms of my hands and my lips. I remember jokingly saying that my lips walked into a room before I did. They were massive and hideous and I was being seen in a way that felt very uncomfortable. My body was forcing me to take up space and I wanted to resist it with everything I had.
Having your presence known and felt by others comes with feeling worthy. If you grew up in a home where your voice was silenced or your presence was seen as a nuisance or you were viewed as too needy, you slowly learned to silence yourself.
When you fear taking up space you often avoid setting strong boundaries and quit advocating for your needs and instead prioritize the needs of others. This can often lead to feelings of isolation because there is no self-advocacy and as you avoid being seen you limit your possibilities in your career, relationships and personal growth.
Some signs you may fear taking up space;
-You are uncomfortable with silence
-You turn the conversation to be about other people and not yourself
-You prioritize the needs of others over your own
-You are a people pleaser and have difficulty saying NO
-You are not attuned to the emotions and sensations within your body
-You apologize when attention is directed toward you
-You need to stay busy so that you feel productive and useful, your performance is linked to your worthiness
-You have difficulty expressing your true feelings and emotions and instead, keep them to yourself
-You use humour or jokes as a way to put yourself down
-You become a fence sitter because having an opinion that differs from others draws attention to you
If you’ve adopted the strategy of staying small and avoiding taking up space it will take some time to shift this pattern.
Here are some ways to gradually learn to take up space;
Remind Yourself You Are Worthy With Your Self-Talk
A simple yet effective tool is your self-talk. When you feel the need to shrink yourself, say the words, “I am worthy of taking up space” Your thoughts matter and what you think becomes what you believe.
Look For Cues of Safety
In order to take up space you must feel safe. Look around for cues of safety. This could be a familiar face, knowing where the exits are, sitting with your back against the wall, or positioning yourself in a spot where you can see outside. Knowing what feels safe for you empowers you.
Become Aware of Your Body
Our bodies respond and shift based on how we are feeling. Notice any changes within you. Then slowly create shifts that allow your body to know it is safe to take up space. Stand up tall, square your shoulders, and take a deep breath in and out through your nose. Allow your body to become relaxed and confident in taking up space, something that every human is worthy of doing. Allow yourself to smile and relax the muscles in your jaw. Notice any tension in your body and send your breath there to release it.
Find Safe People
It is much easier to take up space in places where we feel safe. Practice taking up space with people that make you feel protected and loved. The skills you develop in your safe space can later be transferred to other spaces.
Use Creativity to Take Up Space
Taking up space is a means of self-expression and being creative is an excellent way to express yourself. Paint a picture, sing a song, create a piece of art, write a poem or dance to your favourite song on the dance floor.
Quit Fearing Making a Mistake
Many people fear taking up space & worry that someone may correct them or point out their mistakes. Know that sometimes feedback can help us to learn and grow. We are human, we all make mistakes, these are learning opportunities, not something to be afraid of.
It’s important to recognize that if you have avoided taking up space it will take time to shift this practice. Be patient with yourself and take your time. If you need help with taking up space please reach out and together we can build your toolbox.
With Gratitude,
Amy
*Disclaimer All coaching services and communication, email or otherwise, delivered by Aim True Coaching as well as the information set forth are meant to help you identify the areas and beliefs that may be standing in your way. However, coaching is not professional mental health care or medical care. This content is for informational purposes only, and should not be taken as professional medical advice.
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