Love vs. Attunement
Love and Attunement are often used interchangeably, but the two are not the same thing. Love is defined as an intense feeling of deep affection. Attunement on the other hand is defined as, the reactiveness we have to another person, to make us aware or responsive and to bring harmony. So, love is the feeling and attunement is the awareness that creates a harmonious connection. As a child, I was deeply loved by my parents and I felt that love. What I did not feel was attunement. My brother died tragically when I was very young and my parents were forced into unimaginable loss and grief. As they battled their bereavement I slowly withdrew my needs from the relationship. I adopted the role of a people pleaser and tried desperately to make my parents happy again. Through my fawning behaviour, I stopped allowing people to be responsive to my needs because I didn't share what my needs were. The lines became blurry between what were my desires and those of others. I kept a lot of secrets, ones that I felt my parents knew, but they did not. I did not tell them when I was sexually abused by a trusted adult. They were seemingly unaware of the changes I felt deep within me. I do not hold ill will towards my mom and dad for their lack of attunement because it was in no way intentional. They themselves were trying to survive and learn to navigate their grief. But I do believe my early childhood experience has made me more aware. As a mother myself, I work hard to build love and attunement into my relationships with my children. I ask questions, I invite them to share their feelings. And when things are not in harmony, I feel it deep within my soul. Love and attunement are important in any relationship, not just the parent-child dynamic. For healthy relationships to grow there needs to be love, that feeling of affection but also an awareness of the needs and desires of your partner. For deep meaningful relationships, you need to be fully present and be emotionally in tune with each other to foster connection, intimacy and understanding. There are ways to build attunement into any relationship. 1) Know yourself Check-in with your body and recognize how it feels when you are near the person. Notice where attunement is embodied somatically within you. 2) Be present Harmony happens in the here and now. If your mind is in the past or the future it will be difficult for you to be present. 3) Touch A gentle caress, touch or hug can build connection and create harmony within you both. 4) Communicate Attunement is not mind reading, you still need to share your feelings with your partner. Ask questions and seek clarity. 5) Listen Deep attunement begins with deep listening. Listen not only to the words being spoken but the tone, cadence and inflection. Listen without judgement and seek to understand. 6) Create a Safe Place True attunement can only happen when a person feels safe. There needs to be an understanding that what is shared will be accepted with compassion and empathy. Love is perhaps the easier part of any relationship, it's the feeling that grows within you. Attunement is what will keep that love blooming. Work on being in tune with the ones you love, and let them know that you are a safe place for them to land. If you need help with attunement please feel free to reach out. With Gratitude, Amy
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