Many times in life I have hated my body. I disliked the way it looked physically and compared myself to other women and wondered why I didn't have thicker hair and tighter abs. I also felt quite often that my body betrayed me many times. I had secrets and the biggest one was that I did not feel good about myself. My body felt the need to broadcast this to the world frequently. I wondered how it could betray me so easily. I hated being the centre of attention and if I found myself in that situation, my face would turn a crimson red. This of course had an awful effect as people would stare even more wondering how a person could develop such a shade of scarlet so quickly. It would start from my neck and work it's way up to engulf my whole face. I'd become hot and start to sweat and I'd desperately search the room for an escape. Sometimes there was no way out, this caused even more discomfort. I felt like ripping my clothes off, but can you imagine how much that would make me the centre of attention, so I smiled through it and acted like it wasn't happening. Because you know if I pretend it's not happening, maybe others will as well. For the most part people played along and never mentioned my lobster shade and the droplets of water pouring down my face.
In these moments I hated my body and I hated myself. My internal dialogue was negative and included phrases such as "Amy what is wrong with you? and "I hate my body!" Because my body responded so horrifically to me being in the limelight I avoided it as much as possible. I became someone who was easily unnoticed. What I was really doing was dimming my light.
I slowly grew out of my red face episodes and at the time I didn't really question why they were happening less frequently. As I reflect on the change I realize it was because I was slowly growing and evolving. The transformation was beginning and even though it was a slow process it was happening! I was getting to know my authentic self. I started to speak up and use my voice and most importantly be proud of myself. And perhaps most significantly when my face turned red I asked myself why? What boundary was being crossed? What thought had I silenced? Are the people around me feeding my best energy? As I reflect back on my red days I realize that my body wasn't betraying me at all, it was forcing me to see some truths about myself. It wasn't that it wanted me to remain that silent girl who never spoke, it wanted me to speak up. It wanted me to understand that no matter what the people I value still loved me despite my red face, and they didn't care. It also was presenting me with fear and prompting me to overcome that fear. I slowly began fearing the red face less knowing that I would survive it and eventually it would go away.
For a long time I listened to my body and the red face days faded to a lovely shade of pink. But my body was keeping score because I still wasn't living my whole truth. Yes I appeared like a confident person. I was a teacher, mother of 3 kids and seemed to have it all together. But there was still a secret hidden deep within my soul. As noted in previous blog posts, I was sexually abused as a child. I never told anyone, I carried this secret well into my mid life. But my body wasn't going to allow me to keep it hidden any longer. My palms and soles of feet erupted in angry red pustular blisters. My body was screaming once again in red. Red is a strong colour and represents anger. And I had a lot of anger inside of me. I was angry at my abuser, I was angry at my parents and I was angry at myself. My body was speaking to me in red and it was angry too. I am sure it was saying, "Amy you refuse to deal with this so I will force you to do so." This time the redness prevented me from doing things for long periods of times and once again I was the centre of attention but this time people really did stare and ask me what was wrong with me. My red face moments started to slowly creep back into my life. I was losing the strength I had gathered to overcome the lobster face, this wasn't as easy to overcome.
So again I asked myself why? Why is my body betraying me once again? What is the message I am meant to receive? As I sat staring at my red hands and feet I realized that my body was releasing all of that anger I had stuffed away. My skin was peeling off and it was as if my body was shedding the old me. It was shedding the Amy with the limiting beliefs, and the fear of being noticed. My body who I felt betrayed me was actually trying to protect me. It was releasing the anger so it didn't eat me from the inside. It was bringing the anger to the surface so that I could deal with all of my repressed trauma once and for all.
My hands and feet slowly got better because I addressed my anger, pain and hurt. All that my body wanted was for me to heal from my past pain. I kept ignoring my beautiful body when it was doing it's best to help me. Every time it tried to warn me, I wasn't listening so it just had to speak a little louder and more intensely.
My body loves me and works to protect me. I no longer feel hatred towards it but instead am in love with it's awesomeness. It has birthed 3 beautiful babies, it is strong and protects me with a fierceness that I feel in my soul. I apologize to my body as the hatred I felt was not warranted as it is in love with me and will do anything in it's power to protect me. All my body asks in return is that I listen to the clues it provides. Now I don't go to my mind first to wonder how I feel instead I listen to how my body responds. I can feel the shifts in my energy when I am around people that don't vibe with me. I can feel in my throat when I am not speaking my truth, I can feel in my chest when I feel afraid. My body gives me wonderful clues everyday and all I have to do is listen to them.
Our bodies are pretty amazing. I wonder what your body is trying to tell you. What clues are you aware of? What ones are you ignoring? Learn to listen to your beautiful body, it is your best ally and it's duty is to protect you, allow it to do it's job. And your job my friend is to listen to it's wisdom.
Comments