When your nervous system is in a dysregulated state there is a limited capacity for the ability to parent the way you would like. While in survival mode your nervous system seeks to control and predict outcomes as a means of protection. When your focus is on control, you lose the connection between yourself and your child.
A regulated nervous system has the capacity to be responsive to others. A dysregulated nervous system is reactive. Reactions from a dysregulated state are often irrational, fear-based and contain little reasoning. A dysregulated nervous system feels out of control so in an effort to self-regulate, external control is sought. The survival brain knows that in order to survive you must find a way to manage the situation. Parenting from this survival state can feel overwhelming and the narrative is created, that control will keep your children safe. This pattern is often generational and continues within families.
If survival mode is your normal then you may not even realize that this dynamic is happening in your relationship with your child. It is through awareness and curiosity, within ourselves, that we create change.
When your child's behaviour is triggering you, look closely at the behaviour. It is likely something that you did not feel safe doing as a child. Me, I became angry when my children would whine and cry over seemingly pointless things. I could feel the anger bubbling inside of me and I wanted them to stop immediately. I simply could not hold space for these responses. I realized I didn't want them to embrace their authentic feelings. I wanted to control how they responded so that they could do so in ways that felt comfortable for me, not them. I had to get curious about why I was reacting this way.
Through my curiosity and wonder I realized that as a child no one held space for these types of things for me. There simply wasn’t room for whining and crying in our house. My parents were grieving the loss of my brother’s death and crying over a toy seemed silly compared to a child dying. When my feelings were not seen or heard I internalized that they were not valid and were not deserving of attention. I began to hold them in and didn’t allow them to present themselves. So when my children presented me with these same responses I was once again that little girl whose parents didn’t have the capacity to honour my feelings. In turn, I learned not to honour my own children’s feelings. My reaction was I wanted the whining to stop rather than explore its origin. There was likely a deeper reason behind the whimpers of my children. They may have been tired, unwell or perhaps experiencing their own dysregulation as children co-regulate with the adults in their lives. By shutting down their feelings I was sending the message that their needs were not important or valid. Children need to know that their parents value their feelings. When they are valued, they feel safe and safety is the foundation of a calm nervous system.
It turned into a vicious cycle where I didn’t have the capacity to hold space for my children's
feelings. I’d get angry and then feel guilty for feeling angry. I was repeating the same
pattern that I lived as a child. Generational trauma continues until someone decides to break
the pattern. I became a cycle breaker.
Letting go of control as a parent is not easy, it takes time and gentleness with yourself. It
requires curiosity, awareness, discernment and intention to hold a safe space for your child, for the things you couldn't express when you were young.
Curiosity
Patterns that are adopted in service of protection won’t change overnight. It takes time and patience to slowly work towards change and change begins with curiosity. Recovery involves becoming a scientific observer of yourself. Look at your triggers through a lens of curiosity and wonder. Greet them with compassion not shame. Our triggers are trying to protect us, find out why? Ask yourself questions even if you are afraid of what the answers may be.
Awareness
Slowly begin to develop an awareness of how your body responds to certain triggers. Deepen your understanding of how your body acts when you feel the need to control and contain your child’s responses. When we learn to listen to our bodies we befriend our nervous system and understand ourselves much more clearly.
Discernment
The ability to discern is very important. Embrace the pause. Take a moment to pause as this gives us the ability to choose and discern. As a parent, there are some times when we need to be in control. It is our job as parents to protect our children from danger. It's important to develop the ability to discern between real and perceived threats as well as to decide if a reaction is a trauma response or not. We also need to recognize when a response is triggering and is causing changes in our nervous system. Ask yourself, Is this a threat to my child’s safety or mine? Is this about my own dysregulation? What cues can I feel within my body?
Children co-regulate with their parents and learn how to live within their own nervous system based on what they see and feel their parents do. It is never a child’s job to regulate a parent’s nervous system so it’s important to understand when you as a parent shift states. When caregivers lack the ability to regulate this is when children adopt unhealthy responses such as fawning (people pleasing) or anxiety in an attempt to help soothe their parents. Befriending your own nervous system and understanding your triggers, reactions and bodily responses will help you to end this parenting cycle.
Intention
Shifts occur when we become intentional. The most impactful intention we can have as a parent is to build a connection with our children. The deepest connections are founded in compassion never shame. Saying “I want to be a better parent because I am an awful one right now” is not going to help you move forward. This kind of thinking will keep you stuck in the cycle of shame.
Stating, “I am working towards parenting with compassion and I understand that many of my parenting patterns were adopted to keep me safe" is a much gentler, positive approach. Give yourself permission to pause and find the intention in what you are trying to do as a parent. Then decide if that goal is working towards control or connection.
Parenting is a difficult job and doesn’t come with an instruction manual. When we know and understand ourselves it makes it easier to build a connection with our children. Be patient with yourself as you slowly change the way you respond and react to your child. Change is a gradual process and each small step leads to big ones.
If you need help embracing connection over control please reach out and together we can find ways for you to develop this skill.
With Gratitude,
Amy
*Disclaimer
All coaching services and communication, email or otherwise, delivered by Aim True Coaching as well as the information set forth are meant to help you identify the areas and beliefs that may be standing in your way. However, coaching is not professional mental health care or medical care. This content is for informational purposes only, and should not be taken as professional medical advice.
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