“If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.” ~Brené Brown
Shame is something I have known intimately, I carried it around for years. It is like the friend that overstays its welcome; very familiar and strangely comforting while at the same time you can't wait for its departure. I can easily identify the feelings of shame in my body. It felt like I was drowning and wanted to slowly sink out of existence. I could feel the tightening in my chest, my heart rate rising and my face taking on a crimson shade of red. At the root of my shame was the lack of being seen, heard and validated. I felt I wasn't worthy and that unworthiness manifested into intense shame.
The feelings of shame come in varying degrees and trauma survivors who have survived abuse, manipulation and abandonment can feel its grip intensely. Our own shame can often be coupled with others. As children, we co-regulate with the caregivers in our lives. When the adults who care for us hold shame we embody that and take it on as our own. Carrying the shame of others as well as your own is a heavy burden to carry.
This pattern of generational trauma and adopting the feelings of others is then carried into adulthood. Unhealthy early environments create unhealthy patterns where we absorb and internalize fault that doesn't belong to us. We normalize the feelings of shame and feel that they are part of our personality. We believe we are sensitive, shy or angry when in reality we are responding to our experiences.
At first glance, shame might be mistaken for other things. It can show up as perfectionism, anger, shyness, social anxiety or lacking a sense of identity. At its core shame wants you to stay small and feels like a weight that prevents you from breaking free and becoming your best.
It's important to remember that many of us have carried shame for a long time and old patterns and habits take time to change. Be patient with yourself as you learn to release feelings of shame.
How to Release Shame
Be Honest with Yourself
You can't heal from things that you have not acknowledged. You need to own your shame and acknowledge its existence. Shame is sneaky and appears in many different forms. You must find out what shame looks and feels like for you.
Find a Safe Space
Shame is rooted in feelings of unsafety, unworthiness and silence. Those feelings need a safe space to be heard. Find a friend, coach or therapist who can hold a safe space for you free from judgment.
Be Mindful of Your Inner Dialogue
Your thoughts become your reality. When you say things like "I am so stupid" you embody that feeling and further deepen your shame. Slowly begin to reframe those thoughts. "Maybe I didn't make the best choice but I can look for the lesson and use it going forward."
Honour Your Shame
Even though shame feels awful, in reality, it is a protective response. Our bodies are wonderful and do whatever they can to keep us safe. Instead of viewing shame as something you need to fight against say thank you when it appears. "Shame I know you are appearing to keep me safe, thank you for that but I've got this and I no longer need you".
Give shame a voice
If shame grows in secrecy, silence and judgment then speak about your shame, and give it a voice so it is neither silent nor a secret. Share your story with others so that you can be seen and heard. And although you can't control the judgement of others you can control your own. Listen with an open heart and mind to the stories people share and remind yourself that judgment and opinions are not important but simply listening with empathy is enough.
If you need a safe space for your shame to land I can offer that to you in a coaching session. There is no judgment only compassion, empathy and understanding. Together we can uncover your shame and work towards releasing its grips.
With Gratitude,
Amy
*Disclaimer
All coaching services and communication, email or otherwise, delivered by Aim True Coaching as well as the information set forth are meant to help you identify the areas and beliefs that may be standing in your way. However, coaching is not professional mental health care or medical care. This content is for informational purposes only, and should not be taken as professional medical advice.
Comments