Most of us have heard of the trauma responses fight, flight or freeze but there is another response that is very common called the Fawn response. This term was coined by Peter Walker, and is a form of people pleasing as a way to avoid conflict. A person in an activated fawn response will make others happy at the expense of their own happiness, because the thought of conflict is far too uncomfortable for them to face.
“Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others. They act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences and boundaries.”
–Pete Walker, “The 4Fs: A Trauma Typology in Complex Trauma“
This response is most common among victims of childhood abuse, where a trusted adult is the abuser. Children adopt this response as a way to avoid further harm. They try to appease and make their abuser happy as a preemptive approach to avoid trauma. Children will adopt a personality that is non threatening and they will say and do things to appease their abuser.
Fawning usually begins in childhood but becomes a familiar pattern and thus is adopted as a response throughout adulthood. The problem with people pleasing is that it pleases everyone else but you. You spend your energy making sure that others are comfortable at the expense of your own comfort. If fawning is a familiar pattern to you it may be difficult to even recognize as it's become a part of who you are. It does not however mean that you have to stay that way. You brain has been wired to respond this way based on events in childhood thus this is the neural pathway that is familiar to you. The good news is neural pathways can be reprogrammed.
The first step is to identify whether you are in a fawn a response pattern. Here are some key signs that suggest a fawning response.
1) You don't know your true self and if asked to identify who you are you find it difficult to describe your identity.
2) You have difficulty making decisions.
3) You worry what others think of you.
4) If someone becomes angry with you, your first move is to appease the angry person.
5) You avoid conflict.
6) You have difficulty saying NO.
7) You have difficulty setting boundaries and standing up for yourself.
8) You experience guilt and shame for not doing what you think others want you to do.
9) You put the needs of others first and repress your own needs.
10) You feel responsible for the responses and reactions of others.
11) You suppress your emotions.
If most of these sound familiar to you then it's likely you are in a fawn response pattern of behaviour. Now what can you do to change it? The first and most important thing to do is to become aware. Start listening to your body and emotions for clues as to how you are feeling. Here are some things you can do to help you overcome fawning.
1) When someone is angry, allow yourself time to sit with their reaction before responding. Your first instinct is to want to ease their anger, don't follow your first response. Remind yourself that the anger belongs to them not you, allow them to own it.
2) Use the power of your breath, when you are feeling the need to please others stop and take a breath. Use that breath as a pause to reset yourself and ask if this is serving your highest and best good.
3) Your first response is to always say Yes, if saying No feels too difficult practice saying "I'll let you know." You are slowly changing old responses and patterns. Eventually you will learn to use NO as a full sentence.
4) Get in tune with your core beliefs. Fawning dislodges you from your sense of self, explore your core beliefs and get to know them intimately. Then remind yourself of the importance of your values when you feel they are being challenged. So for example, It's important to me that people treat each other with kindness. If I see someone not being kind it doesn't align with my beliefs, I need to be authentic and follow my heart, I have to speak up or walk away because I can't support unkind behaviour it goes against who I am.
5) Seek the help of a mentor or coach. Sometimes the curious and keen eye of another person allows us to explore our true self in a safe place.
6) Identify your feelings, part of fawning is becoming numb to how you feel. Start noticing your emotional responses, name and identify the emotion and where you feel it in your body. Allow yourself to get in tune with how you're feeling.
7) Practice setting boundaries. Boundaries are a way to protect yourself and your space. Understand your limits and know that you have choices, unlike the child who felt they did not. Trauma takes away choices and boundaries are your way of reclaiming your power of choice.
8) Create a mantra to help remind you when needed. An example I've used is "I no longer fawn away I fiercely face what comes my way."
9) Most importantly believe in yourself and the power within you to change. Be patient with yourself as this has been a long standing pattern but have faith in your ability to be your best.
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