Trauma and the need for control

The need for control is a common trauma response. So much pain is coupled with the feeling of powerlessness. Whether it was abuse, manipulation, violence or a tragic accident most survivors feel a sense of being out of control in response to the traumatic event. The feeling of powerlessness is twofold, first, there is an overall sense of being controlled by another person and second, there is an embodiment of responsibility for allowing it to happen. Even though the victim is NOT to blame they often take on this burden and wonder what they could have done to prevent it from happening. The survivor is left with an overwhelming sense of feeling unsafe. The need for control is adopted in an attempt to seek safety and security. It is internalized that if one is in control of everything then nothing bad can happen. Power is adopted in service of safety. There is often a fear that is ingrained within survivors that feeling helpless and vulnerable will lead to a negative outcome and so they crave control. Some ways that survivors seek control are; Living in hypervigilance: They live their life always trying to predict what could happen in an attempt to protect themselves and others. Survivors learn to anticipate all of the what-ifs and prepare accordingly. Trying to control others: Relationships can become unhealthy as there may be a need to control others in an attempt to prevent being controlled and not being at the mercy of someone else. Often there is also a belief that if you control those that you love that you can protect them from harm. This can lead to unhealthy manipulation of others as you set expectations for someone else rather than empowering them to make their own choices. Feeling numb: Many survivors numb or bury their feelings in an attempt to avoid allowing their feelings to take control. It can be overwhelming to let their inner thoughts and feelings out, as there is uncertainty as to what will happen as a result of this release. It feels much safer to keep them tightly hidden. Addictions: Addictions are often adopted as a way to manage and control the feeling of powerlessness. Unfortunately, addictions often end up controlling the addict not the other way around. Inability to make decisions: Survivors often have difficulty making decisions out of fear that they will make the wrong one. They have internalized the result of poor choices and mistakenly carry the burden of blame. There is a strong urge to make the right choice and a need to control the outcome, making it the most desirable. The need for control makes choosing difficult as there is a worry that the wrong choice could leave them vulnerable and powerless. The problem is that indecisiveness leads to a deeper feeling of being out of control and this coupled with the burden of blame impairs judgement, leaving them unable to decide. How can you overcome your need for control? Build your awareness: The need for control was adopted in service of safety and has become a learned behaviour, one that you may not even notice. Build your awareness by being curious about your intentions and determining if your actions stem from fear and control or compassion and understanding. Engage in Difficult Conversations: Sometimes in order to acknowledge our unhealthy patterns we need to ask those around us how they truly feel about our behaviour. It is through difficult conversations that we cultivate change. Ask your loved ones if they feel controlled by you. Do they feel they have a voice in the relationship? Listen to your Body Your body really does keep the score. As you slowly begin to listen to its whispers you will recognize somatically the feeling of powerlessness and the need for control. Know your triggers and how your body begins to seep into the waters of control. Be Gentle and Understanding Know that your need for control was adopted in service of survival and safety. You were responding in the best way that you knew how to keep yourself and others safe. It takes time to learn new patterns, be gentle and compassionate with yourself as you cultivate a new way of being. If you need help with your feelings of control and powerlessness please reach out. Together we can explore new strategies and work towards cultivating change. With Gratitude, Amy *Disclaimer All coaching services and communication, email or otherwise, delivered by Aim True Coaching as well as the information set forth are meant to help you identify the areas and beliefs that may be standing in your way. However, coaching is not professional mental health care or medical care. This content is for informational purposes only, and should not be taken as professional medical advice.