Understanding Shame
Shame and trauma are so often coupled together, they walk hand in hand and it can be difficult to separate the two. The best way to combat shame is to name it and talk about it but that is not an easy task.
Many of us don’t even acknowledge that we are carrying shame. To understand shame, we must first understand exactly what it is.
Shame vs. Guilt
Many people use shame and guilt interchangeably and they are not the same. Guilt is linked to the act in which we feel “I did a bad thing” whereas with shame we believe that we are flawed and internalize “I am a bad person”
Brene Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”
Guilt can be motivating and help us to create change. Shame on the other hand can be debilitating and leave us feeling stuck, unworthy and disconnected from ourselves and others. Shame clouds our perceptions and sense of who we are. We are motivated by escaping the feelings of shame and hiding its existence. The problem is that shame grows in secrecy and silence, the very things many of us try to do to avoid the feelings of shame we carry.
Shame in the Body
Once we have accepted that we carry shame we need to understand how exactly it is showing up in the body. For me, shame appeared with a red face anytime I was the center of attention. I had spent so much time playing small and wanting to be unseen and unheard that if ever people focused on me, my face would become flushed. If I had to give shame a color it would be a bright shade of red.
For others, it may be a racing heart, a tightness in the chest, a fluttering tummy or sweating. Shame also shows up in the way we carry ourselves. Poor posture, a sunken frame and a lowered head are often in response to shame as there is a feeling of disconnection and unworthiness that shows up in how we hold our bodies. Shame can also show up in our emotions. Some of us may get angry and feel rage. Others may feel quiet and dismissive.
Chronic shame can lead to mental health struggles as well as other health concerns and dis-ease within the body.
Redefining our Relationship With Shame
If we want to shift a pattern or behaviour we must become in relationship with it. That means acknowledging the shame within and not denying its existence. Saying yes “I carry shame and it feels like _______ inside of me”
As we develop our relationship with shame we can see that perhaps at one time it was a protective part that helped us along the way. In looking at shame in this way we can offer compassion-the antidote to shame. We often feel shame when we don’t feel worthy. So once we recognize what shame feels like within us we can use it as a guide to how we are feeling about ourselves.
As we build our relationship to shame we can easily identify when it is showing up. In acknowledging its existence we lessen its power over us. Shame makes us feel powerless whereas compassion feels empowering. Our inner child often carries a lot of shame and offering that inner child compassion saying “I love you” “This isn’t yours to carry” and “It's not your fault” can help to ease the burden.
Identifying How We Use Shame
As we deepen our understanding of shame we must acknowledge how we use shame with others and ourselves. Many of us continue the cycle of shame with our self-talk; “I am not good enough”, “No one will like me anyway”
As parents, we must also become aware of how we continue the cycle of shame. If our self-talk reflects shame, the way we talk to our children may as well. Shaming our kids does not have the desired effect we think it will. It simply adds to the burden of shame and creates more feelings of unworthiness.
Awareness is key to how we embody shame in the way we talk to ourselves and others.
Compassion
If shame has been your companion for a while it will take time and work to shift this pattern. The most effective tool in your toolbox to combat shame is compassion. Be gentle with yourself and offer yourself compassion through your words as well as touch. Connect to yourself with a hug or gently offer a sense of support to the parts of your body that are feeling shame. Perhaps holding your arms or chest and offering a sense of containment and support for those feelings. Shame takes away our connection to ourselves and our body, you can empower yourself by reconnecting to your body.
Know that you are not alone, so many of us carry shame. But as we acknowledge it in ourselves and each other we can offer compassion to ourselves and those around us. Naming the shame lessens its power. If you are carrying shame, know that so are many others. As we offer kindness to those around us and ourselves we ripple out compassion and slowly ease the shame we all carry.
With Gratitude,
Amy
*Disclaimer All coaching services and communication, email or otherwise, delivered by Aim True Coaching and the information set forth are meant to help you identify the areas and beliefs that may be standing in your way. However, coaching is not professional mental health care or medical care. This content is for informational purposes only, and should not be taken as professional medical advice.
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