The statement; "What happened was NOT your fault, but healing IS your responsibility" stirs mixed responses among trauma recovery communities. Some believe there should never be a BUT and that adding the second part is dismissive to people in trauma recovery. As a trauma survivor myself I see it from a lens of empowerment. I know all too well that words can land differently for trauma survivors. We often hear blame and shame when it is not intended. Some may hear the BUT and assume responsibility for what happened to them. They may internalize it as "I should have told someone" or "I should have fought back". I think this is where the distinction must be made. Nothing about what happened to you was your fault and the BUT does not suggest this. Rather it is opening up a new way of approaching recovery. The blame and shame are not yours to carry they belong to the abusers. What belongs to you is self-compassion, self-direction and self-advocacy in your recovery journey. When you take responsibility for these you reframe your approach to healing and you shift the power back to yourself. Perhaps the most disturbing thing about trauma involving abuse or manipulation is the fact that choice is often the very thing that is taken away from victims. When you own your recovery and accept responsibility for your healing you are empowering your voice and choice that was once silenced. I understand that it is unfair that we are expected to recover from something that is not our fault. Owning our recovery provides an opportunity for us to regain the power that was once taken away. Embracing responsibility for your healing does not in any way mean you are responsible for what happened to you. It means you are in control of how you move forward. Let's examine what it means to take responsibility in recovery; Befriending Our Nervous System As trauma survivors, our nervous systems spend a lot of time in a hypervigilant state, always on the lookout for danger. We often learn to co-regulate with those around us by reading the energy of others and adapting our behaviour based on what we think others need and want. Recovery involves befriending our own nervous system and understanding what it is like for us to be in different states. We need to know what it looks and feels like for us to be in a sympathetic or parasympathetic state and what cues signal that we are shifting states. Slowly we can learn to identify healthy ways to calm our nervous systems through self-regulation and co-regulation. When we befriend our nervous system we empower ourselves. Self-Advocacy Many trauma survivors have learned to acquiesce and slowly put the needs and wants of others ahead of their own. In trauma recovery when we take responsibility and learn to identify our own needs and wants we slowly learn to self-advocate and make them a priority. What works for one person in recovery may not work for another. Part of healing is learning to discern and advocate for what best serves YOU in recovery. Expressing our needs and wants allows us to feel seen, heard and validated. Self-Compassion As we learn to give ourselves compassion we greet the things that we adopted in service of survival from a new lens. With self-compassion we stop shaming the choices and self-sabotaging behaviours, we embodied to help us cope. We meet ourselves with new awareness and understand that we did what we felt was right at the time. Compassion allows us to identify the truths within ourselves and accept responsibility for them from a lens of learning, growth and awareness rather than a lens of shame. Self-Direction As we accept responsibility for our recovery we take ownership of the direction of our healing. We provide ourselves agency in the choices we make about how we recover. We decide whether or not we will offer forgiveness, what professionals we will work with and what healing paths work best for us. Safety Safety is perhaps the most crucial thing in trauma recovery, but only we know what feels safe for us. As we take ownership of our safety we begin to set boundaries that protect us. We can better identify what spaces and people align and feel safe for us. With responsibility comes a new awareness of the limits we need to set in our everyday lives. Boundary setting can feel difficult for people who have experienced boundary violations so be gentle with yourself as you cultivate this new skill. Responsibility does not equate to blame or shame but rather empowerment. If you need help with embracing responsibility in your trauma recovery please feel free to reach out. I provide a safe space filled with compassion, curiosity, exploration and a somatic embodiment approach that allows you to befriend your nervous system. Together we can set goals and work towards claiming your power over your post-traumatic growth. With Gratitude, Amy *Disclaimer All coaching services and communication, email or otherwise, delivered by Aim True Coaching as well as the information set forth are meant to help you identify the areas and beliefs that may be standing in your way. However, coaching is not professional mental health care or medical care. This content is for informational purposes only, and should not be taken as professional medical advice.
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